Five Wines You Need to Know to Avoid Sounding Like a Moron

You’re new to wine, and you don’t want to sound like a moron. Totally understandable. I’m going to outline the five wines you need to know to avoid sounding like a moron. But that’s not the most important tip I have for you.

When you’re learning about wine, it seems like everyone knows more than you. Maybe your uncle has a walk-in cellar and uses words like terroir and premier cru. Maybe your friend swirls their glass like a Bond villain and drones on about “austere vintages.” They seem intimidating, sure—but trust me when I say this: I see folks like that every day. They don’t know shit.

After teaching wine to sommeliers and winemakers for the past twenty years, I have two key insights for you:

1. The more pretentious someone is, the less they usually know.
2. If you master the basics, the advanced stuff comes easy.

Let’s start with those basics.

Riesling
Pronounced: REEZ-ling

For the last 800 years, Riesling has been the king of wines. Grown primarily in Germany, it gained world-class fame along the steep slopes of the Mosel River. At one point in the Middle Ages, it was the most expensive wine in the world.

Because of that long pedigree, it has some quirks. Riesling comes in three distinct styles: dry (not sweet), semi-dry, and freaking sweet. That sweetness used to be the standard—most people in the past liked a little sugar in their glass. These days, everyone’s pretending they’re too cool for sweet wine. Don’t fall for that. A little sugar helps balance out the natural high acidity in Riesling, especially when you’re new to wine.

How do you spot a sweeter Riesling? Two tips:

• Check the back label. Many producers include a sweetness scale. If it says “sweet,” believe it.
• Look at the alcohol. Dry wines are usually around 12–14% ABV. If it’s under 11%, it probably has residual sugar. It’s a bit of a hack, but it works more often than not.

Also, if you look at a German wine label and feel like you’re reading Ikea instructions in reverse—it’s not just you. Those labels are notoriously opaque. Just focus on the basics: look for “Kabinett” or “Spätlese” (pronounced SHPAYT-lay-zuh) if you want semi-sweet styles.

Sauvignon Blanc
Pronounced: SO-vin-yawn BLAHNK

This is one of the most useful white wines you can learn to love. It’s fresh, high-acid, and smells like grass, lime, or gooseberry—yes, that’s a real fruit. Sauvignon Blanc is your best bet when someone asks you to “bring a white” to dinner and you have no idea what’s being served.

It’s grown all over: New Zealand makes grassy and tropical versions; the Loire Valley in France gives you more minerality and restraint. Either way, it’s versatile, affordable, and rarely a bad call. Think of it like a denim jacket—it works with almost everything, and everyone pretends not to like it until they need it.

Chardonnay
Pronounced: SHAR-dun-nay

This one’s tricky—not because it’s complicated, but because it’s a chameleon. Chardonnay can be big, oaky, and buttery (hello, California), or crisp, mineral, and almost salty (hello, Chablis in France).

If you say “I don’t like Chardonnay,” you’re telling the world you don’t know much about wine. What you probably mean is, “I don’t like heavily oaked, buttery Chardonnay.” And that’s fine. But the grape itself? It’s one of the most flexible, food-friendly, and globally significant white grapes on the planet.

Want a crisp version? Look for “unoaked” or “Chablis.” Want rich and buttery? Grab a bottle from Sonoma or Napa.

Pinot Noir
Pronounced: PEE-noh NWAHR

You’re drinking red wine now, and you want something elegant. Pinot Noir is your gateway. It’s light in color, low in tannin, but high in complexity. Earthy, floral, cherry-scented—sometimes all at once. Pinot is the wine people think they’re drinking when they pretend to be sophisticated.

But here’s the thing: it’s also damn hard to grow well, which makes the good stuff expensive. Still, even basic Pinots from Oregon or Burgundy can be charming. Look for bottles from Willamette Valley or Bourgogne Rouge. Bonus points if you learn to pronounce Bourgogne (boor-GUN-yuh), but no one will blame you if you don’t.

Cabernet Sauvignon
Pronounced: CAB-er-nay SO-vin-yawn

Big, bold, and brooding—Cabernet is the godfather of red wine. This is the one everyone thinks of when they imagine wine with steak. It’s grown everywhere, but shines in Napa Valley, Bordeaux, and parts of Chile and Australia.

What makes it special? Deep color, strong tannins, and flavors that lean into blackcurrant, cedar, and sometimes a little green pepper. It’s a wine that demands attention—and maybe a decanter.

If you want to sound like you know what you’re doing, just ask someone if the Cab has “seen oak.” You’ll sound legit, even if you don’t know what it means (spoiler: most have).

Until next time!

You don’t need to memorize obscure Italian varietals or know what batonnage means. Just get comfy with these five wines. Taste them. Talk about them. Ask questions. And never be afraid to like what you like.

Because the only real mistake in wine is pretending to know what you’re talking about when you don’t.

Want more? Check out the After Wine School podcast!